What I Learned From My Mother...

There are a lot of things I've learned from my mother...

1) You can never have enough perfume
2) That everyday is a Bon Jovi day

3) Your mother is meant to be there to be your best friend, you can tell her anything

4) Big noses can be sexy on a man
5) Drunk, stupid girls are not attractive (I can't even begin to tell you how many times she reminded me this                                                                                                          in college...)
6) You can always come home, family will always be here

7) Always make your bed, you never know who will stop by (but mooooom, I can just close the door...)

8) Find a man who makes you laugh, and that you actually want to be around all the time, and you'll be happy

9) All the lyrics to Prince's hits because of Purple Rain (I never meant to cause you any sorrow..I never meant to cause you any pain...)

and what we will be discussing today...

10) always make a grocery list

To think that this lesson has stuck with me through all these years is no surprise. It has to do with planning, and anything to do with creating lists and staying on track is automatically filed away in my brain (probably even at the age where I was still content sitting inside the cart just creepily staring at the other grocery shoppers with my big panda eyes, to the point that they think something is wrong....) You must always go to the grocery store...with a list!!! Your trip is guaranteed to be doomed if you walk into the store without a list. All those sales tactics and marketing/placement tricks they spend months talking about in their corporate headquarters (like placing the discounted Funfetti Frosting and Cake Mix on the end caps ...) yup, their gonna get ya. Don't be a fool to those gimmicks, make a list, here is why....

1) Saves Time
It gets you in and out of there quicker. Have you ever tried going without a list? It's like all of a sudden this store that you've been to a bajillion times and I can tell you exactly what is down aisle five, becomes this foreign land and you end up strolling around with this stupid look on your face (for some reason, I'm picturing this face to be the Jenna Marbles "Just Make This Face" look. Yeah, that one. And now your doing it. Attractive.) Point being, you make a list, you're in and out in 15 mins tops.

2) Buy Things You Actually Need
When you have a list, you go off of whats on the list. Your brain knows this. I can't explain it, it just works like that. It sees 'nanners'. Okay legs, walk to the produce aisle. On the way there you didn't even notice that Oreos were BOGO Free! Talk about a way to stay on your diet....

3) Stick to Your Diet

See above. I suppose this only works though if you only write down healthy things....

4) Forces You to Plan Your Meals
meaning...you wouldn't just make a grocery list of just random crap, right? Right... you're making a list of ingredients of things you need to make meals. You are not just going to sit in the grocery store and be like, "Hmmm..what do I want for dinner on Thursday night?" NO. Do this at home. It's people like me who are going to give you 'tude and groan at you when you're blocking half the aisle staring at what noodles you want. I will run you over.

5) You Won't Forget Anything (unless you forget to write it on the list)
The worst is when you think that you've got this 'mental list' going on. No, they don't work. You will forget something. You wake up in the morning and the worst thing happens...you bought coffee...but no creamer. I could use milk...and I probably will, but that puts a rough start to my day which will probably turn out to be a bad one #optimismatitsfinest

6) You Save Money
See Number 2

7) For Those in the Concrete Jungle...You Aren't Struggling to Walk Home..

...while your bags are digging into your wrists,  you're biggest fear is the plastic ripping and having your Snickers (that you just haaad to have) fall out in the middle of the street. Again, if you have a list, you only buy what you need (see Number 2).

8) Gives You the Right to Say 'NO'
Women know that the worst thing that you can ever encounter in the grocery store is..dun dun dunnn..man shoppers. They leave their carts in Aisle 5..and they are in Aisle 11. They NEVER make lists. They were told to buy tampons, milk, and eggs..they come home with Q-Tips, Beer, and Chips. Some of us though, have been forced to make this scenario worse..and dun dun dun...bring along our man. If you make a list, you have the right to say "No. Is it on the list? No, it's not. So we aren't getting it." And just start walking away. He'll most likely put that box of Reese's Puffs down because the moment he loses sight of you and you turn down the next aisle..he's lost. It's unfamiliar territory. Although, sometimes, like with a small child, you have to let them buy one treat. You wouldn't want him to be pouty the rest of the day because he can't get OkeeDokee. Point is, avoid bringing your man at all costs, because list or not, they will add extra things to your cart. Which will not save you time, money, or calories (unless you're lugging all that home) and you will still forget something.